“The Call of Grief”

I’m angry. I will not disguise this for anyone’s feelings or approvals.

I’m weak. I will not pretend I am strong for the sake of religion or Bible verses thrown at me.

I’m sad. I will not pretend I’m happy or that joy comes in the morning. To me, there have been too many joyless mornings since...

I’m guilt ridden. I didn’t come right away when she asked. She asked and I said I’ll be there soon, just knowing she would be fine like always. But I didn’t fly out until she was deemed terminal. How could I not go when she asked? She never asked before. Nothing anyone can say to make me feel any less guilt about this. Time will have to do its job here.

I’m incredulous. No matter how many times this plays over in my mind, it’s still surreal. No call backs. No text backs. No afternoon tea of what’s going on in the family. I’m in the dark now.

I’m grieving. Whether publicly or privately, I am grieving and no one gets to tell me HOW, when or where to grieve. Just know I’ve never grieved in this way before. Ever. Because this one hits different. This one hurts different. This one feels different. This one is different. And I don’t foresee this changing anytime soon.

I’m still the talkative extrovert I’ve always been but these past two weeks, I’ve done things I don’t normally do...gave my number to ppl and not answer their calls or texts, screamed, cussed out the air, answered a call in my inbox (why do ppl call you like this anyway?), “unbit” my tongue and practiced no restraint instead, talked for hours to cousins I hadn’t talked to in years, ubered alone and stayed out all day alone, vented to ppl I don’t even talk to and hugged ppl I’ll probably never hug again.

And after doing all those things and feeling all those feelings and crying all those tears, the results are still the same.

She’s gone. And it hurts... it hurts so damn bad. I’m answering the call of grief even tho it’s not the call I ever wanted to answer.

I’m Sorry Mommy📷 I Miss You📷 I Love You📷

Your Baby Girl still...

~ OEV