Pray? For what?

Last night was the first time I’ve prayed since April 2nd, the day my Mother passed away.

I’ve been upset at The Most High for not answering my prayers. So…I went on a prayer strike…I guess. I decided not to talk to The Most High, read not one Bible verse and lift not one of my hands in praise.

See…my prayers get answered. They get way passed the ceiling. But you mean to tell me when I prayed for my Mom to be healed it was a no? It was “unanswerable”? It wasn’t “according to His will”? Miss me with the religious cliches and jargons. I believed for years in prayer and have seen my prayers come to past. I’ve seen it come to pass several times as it pertained to myself, others and my Mother and yet this time I felt I was let down. Disappointed. Betrayed even.

So “pray for what” was my attitude. It didn’t matter about the many prayers I’ve had answered in the past. What mattered was THIS prayer for my Mother was not answered according to what I prayed. I didn’t pray for healing to be death. I didn’t pray for healing to be a “greater yes”. I didn’t pray any of that. I prayed SPECIFICALLY for my Mom to be completely healed ‘on earth’ so she could see her grandchildren grow up and we could heal us and make our relationship better.

📷 “WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER WHAT I PRAYED OH MIGHTY GOD? AREN’T YOU THE GREAT JEHOVAH RAPHAPA, THE LORD THAT HEALS”? Things I thought but never said.

But last night after listening to one of my mentors who’s also a very close friend, praise TMH after coming through brain surgery to remove what they thought was one tumor but found two, something happened inside of me. Her praise awakened something in me that had been dormant. Just as I missed communicating with her while she healed after surgery and just as I miss talking to my Mom, I begin to miss talking to my God. Oh how I missed telling him my deepest thoughts, feelings and secrets. Oh how I missed crying out to Him instead of just crying in my grief, sadness and anger. How I missed what we’ve had for years.

I sat at my desk in tears and mustered the only words I could which was a prayer of gratitude… “Thank you for the time you gave me with her”. It was all I could say. It was all I could whisper aloud with the song ‘Have My Heart’ playing through my air pods right at the part where they sang, “My heart is yours forever”.

It was my confirmation that whether I had been on prayer strike or not, grieving or not, hurting or not, mad or not or sad or not, that no matter what, my heart is His forever. He can take it when I’m mad at Him. He can take it when I ignore Him. He can take it when I’m frustrated with Him. He can take it when I’m in my feelings towards Him. He can take it when I’m being real and unapologetically in my pride towards Him because unlike most humans, He will remain loyal and faithful ALWAYS no matter what I do or how I feel! He got me 📷

I’m still His as it was declared long ago before I was ever formed in my beautiful Mother’s womb, He knew me…And He ain’t never giving me up no matter what.

Experiencing such a huge loss affects people differently. This is my journey, no one else’s and this has been apart of how this huge loss has been affecting me. So whether my prayers for my mother were answered or not, I don’t know.

Neither am I asking anyone their opinion about that at this point. What I will say is prayer is in my DNA and I’m back to praying even if the prayer is simply “I’m hurting” or “Thank You”. ~ OEV